I wouldn’t normally do this, but I’m going to post a link here to a blog post that contains the line: ‘I usually avoid reading books which zoom up the best-sellers list, as I am a self-confessed book snob.’ Here’s the link to that particular book snob’s review of Fifty Shades of Grey: http://more-than-a-mum.com/07/50-shades-of-grey-review/.
I have as much sympathy for the plight of anyone who would voluntarily eschew such excellent treats as, for example, Before I Go To Sleep, I Don’t Know How She Does It, My Sister’s Keeper and One Day on spurious ideological grounds as I would for someone who feared God would punish her if she ate this food rather than that food, or who was afraid to leave the house in case a gang of ants wrestled her to the ground and stole her favourite handbag. It’s always a shame when a delusion limits a person’s capacity to get the most out of life.
However – sympathy notwithstanding, I disagree with part of what More Than a Mum says about 50 Shades of Grey:
‘What made me angry was the way that this book glorified not a sexy, kinky relationship, but an abusive one….domestic violence is not just about physical abuse, it is about control and intimidation. Ana’s fear of Christian’s reactions to normal things like having a drink with friends or visiting her mother definitely show she is intimidated. They have a relationship built on fear and control, and even if she did want to have the kinky sex which is not clear, the control and fear are not OK. This is not harmless erotica, it’s abuse…. I would not recommend this book because it does nothing for the cause of women or our view of ourselves, our relationships and our self-worth. How are we to help charities such as Refuge support women, and men, in abusive relationships if this is entertainment? How can we support people trapped in abusive relationships to see that they don’t deserve that treatment, it is not their fault and it is not acceptable when this book is considered ‘Mummy Porn’?
Okay, first of all: is Ana and Christian’s relationship abusive? I don’t think so. I think she ‘fears’ his reactions to her behaviour because she’s in love with him and doesn’t want to lose him, just as he ‘fears’ hers for the same reason; just as, if I fell madly in love with Morrissey, I might ‘fear’ telling him that I love a rib-eye steak on a Saturday night, or if I were embarking upon a romance with the political commentator Owen Jones that really mattered to me, I might be mildly nervous at the prospect of admitting that I don’t believe Oxbridge should be abolished because it’s too good. That kind of fear – ‘Will he/she still like me if I do/admit X or Y?’ – is very different from the fear instilled in a person by an abusive relationship. Here’s the difference a) if I do X, it might turn out that we’re not suited and our relationship won’t be able to continue because we can’t live with each other’s true selves (this happens all the time), and b) if I do Y, he will hit me/starve me of affection while still not allowing me to leave the relationship/rape me/assault my mind with his warped ideas and brainwash me into thinking I’m worthless.
Christian Grey is not an abuser. Ana is in control of what she agrees to at all times. She wrestles with the dilemma of what to concede and what to insist upon, and wants not to upset him, but he never tries to exercise mind control. On the contrary, he regularly clarifies that his need to be so controlling and have such an abnormal relationship is a result of his being ‘fifty shades of fucked up’. An abuser would say, ‘You can’t be trusted. You’re useless – without me telling you what to do, you’d mess everything up.’
How can we support people trapped in abusive relationships if 50 Shades of Grey is entertainment? Quite easily. We can say, ‘Everybody – leave your abusive relationship forthwith. There’s a book at the top of the bestseller lists about an affair between a dominant kinky man and a vanilla woman, and how they learn to compromise to please one another – this has nothing to do with your life and is not at all a reason why you should stick around and let your husband persecute and beat you.’ There, that wasn’t hard.
More Than a Mum’s post about 50 Shades also made me think about how uneasy I feel when people try to blame a book for something that’s not its fault. How can we tell people paedophilia’s wrong once we’ve all enjoyed reading about Humbert Humbert in Lolita? (Easily.) How can we say violence against women is wrong if cinemas are showing The Killer Inside Me? (Easily.) How can we can we wholeheartedly support the leisure industry while simultaneously claiming Hitchcock’s Psycho is a masterpiece? Isn’t it, rather, a film that’s going to groom us all into thinking hotels are places of danger, full of unappealing plastic shower curtains? (No, not at all.) If Eastenders has a storyline in which a bereaved mother does something terrible like steal another baby, isn’t it saying, ‘Look, this is the kind of thing bereaved mothers do – they’re all mental’? (No, it isn’t.)
Let’s forget 50 Shades for a second. Let’s say I write a novel tomorrow about an abusive relationship – a properly, horrendously abusive relationship. The victim is so misguided that she believes not only that a bestseller is necessarily a bad book but also that hubby’s bashing her over the head with a brick is his way of showing his love for her. Let’s say I want to write that story about the worst relationship ever from the deluded victim’s lovestruck and warped point of view – am I not allowed to do that because it might encourage women to stay in violent marriages? What about the film Tyrannosaur? Does it encourage women to murder violent husbands? What about Thelma & Louise – does that encourage women to kill the men that rape them? What about The Sopranos? Etc etc. I could go on for ever.
A story, every story, has to be allowed to be itself and tell itself, free from judgement and blame about the effect it might have on society. I happen to believe that one or two women might eventually end up hurt or worse as a result of 50 Shades. They might think, ‘Ooh, how exciting’ and seek out a sexual sadist, and this might not end well – I can imagine an all-pain-no-free-laptop scenario quite easily. This will in no way be the books’ fault, or EL James’. I also think that 50 Shades will boost the sexual adventurousness of some people – but then their marriages might end because their repressed frigid partners can’t take the heat. Again – not the books’ fault.
To accuse 50 Shades of contributing to the domestic violence problem is as nonsensical as accusing your real-life best friend’s story of her husband abusing her and her staying with him because she’s too scared to leave of making a similar contribution. These are the stories of people’s lives and they contain everything – the whole range, the good and the bad. That one might be true and the other fictional doesn’t and shouldn’t make a difference, because without stories that reflect life in any form it might take, life becomes impoverished, and we all understand each other a little bit less.
Thank you for linking to us so that I can read your interesting counter argument.
Firstly, to address my book-snobbery, I refer you to the line you chose to edit from my original work “Reading is about pleasure and escapism and you should read what you enjoy regardless of someone else’s opinion of its literary merit.”. I agree my own opinion may be limiting my choices, but there are so many books out there everyone has to choose what to read in some way. This is mine. You are free to choose in any other way you wish.
To your next point Yes in the early stages of a relationship there is a fear that you may let down the expectations of the other. This is normal. Ana’s fear is that she will be punished for letting Christian down and physically punished in a way which she does not like. This is not normal.
Refuge state “If you are forced to alter your behaviour because you are frightened of your partner’s reaction, you are being abused.” Were you to tell Morrissey or Owen Jones that you had a different moral standing on a particular issue it would not end in physical punishment. Also, going to visit your mother or having a drink with a friend is not a morally viewpoint merit-worthy of discussion as far as I am concerned.
You say he never uses mind control. What then is his insistence that she text, call and email him continuously even though their relationship is counted in days, not months or years. Why is she coerced into giving up her car and accepting the gifts that she does not want if she is not being controlled?
As for your comment that an abuser would say “You can’t be trusted. You’re useless – without me telling you what to do, you’d mess everything up.’”. Some would. Some wouldn’t. There are many forms of abuse. I refer you to Refuge again: http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/what-is-domestic-violence/
To make such a throw away comment about supporting those in abusive relationships as to say, “‘Everybody – leave your abusive relationship forthwith.” shows little understanding for abusive relationships.
Your point about books is a good one. I do not agree with censorship. In fact it is important that books are written about taboo subjects to encourage people to discuss those issues. Once those books have been written however they should be criticised and discussed, as books such as Lolita have been and are. We should never consider something once committed to print to be untouchable or correct.
I don’t intend to accuse 50 Shades of contributing to domestic violence, but whilst books may not wholly shape society, they do reflect it and if women are fantasising about being trapped physically and mentally by powerful men and finding this a turn on, I do worry about the society in which I am raising a daughter.
Thanks for your comments on my blog about your blog! A couple of points in response. You say Ana fears physical punishment if she disobeys Christian’s orders – but the crucial thing, for me, is that he wouldn’t punish her without her consent. Any/all punishment (ie spanking etc) is in a consensual sexual context. He never inflicts physical violence on her without her express permission, or non-sexually. Yes, he is unacceptably and unreasonably controlling – you or I would find it utterly unacceptable to be controlled and limited in that way. However, Ana stays with him and, to a certain extent, does accept it. We see her loving the relationship in many ways. We see the game being very much worth the candle for her. When his bizarre control becomes unacceptable to her, she breaks off the relationship. Also, though she finds his controlling, limiting tendencies scary and frustrating, my reading of the book is that she is also pleased/thrilled that he cares that much about her – that he’s as obsessed with her as she is with him.
Christian knows he is unreasonable and he knows what has made him that way. Ana could at any point decide ‘Enough is enough’ and leave him. She doesn’t. Not because she’s scared of what he’d do to her, but because she’s in obsessive lust/love with him. If she turned round and said, ‘Christian, seriously, I never want to see you again’, I don’t believe he’d try to terrify or bully her back into a relationship with him. He cares about what she wants/how she feels. The book is about two people who really love/need each other but have wildly incompatible needs/desires learning to compromise with one another. It’s not about abuse.
Ana has as much power as Christian does throughout. And yes, I know all abusive relationships are different (I have witnessed many first hand) and I was obviously hamming it up when I wrote the ‘Everybody – leave your abusive relationships’ line (I don’t believe taking an issue seriously precludes the making of jokes), but…I very much don’t agree that an abusive relationship is any relationship in which you alter your behaviour because of fear. I, for example, might quickly throw away my cigarette and stick a mint in my mouth if I hear my husband come home – not because he’s an abuser but because I’m a liar who’s been pretending she doesn’t smoke for the last however many years and is scared of being found out. How many cheating husbands alter their behaviour so that their wives don’t find out – because they’re genuinely scared of their wives finding out? Are those wives necessarily abusive? Of course not. I can think of lots of reasons why women/men might alter their behaviour – fear they’ll hurt/offend their partners, fear of a massive row with a non-abusive husband, when it would make life easier to behave in a slightly different way. In fact, I don’t believe any person in a long-term relationship has never thought, ‘I’d better do/say that – it’ll make life slightly easier’. Now, you might say this isn’t fear as in terror – more a milder sort of reluctance – but that brings into play the question of ‘how great is the fear?’ What does Ana fear Christian would do to her if she ended the relationship? She isn’t terrified of him in the way abused women are terrified – honestly, I don’t really see how you can claim she is. He would do nothing – he’d leave her alone if that was what she wanted – and it never is.
Also, you say that if women are fantasising about being dominated, punished etc by powerful men then you worry about the society in which you’re raising a daughter…and this is the point I feel most strongly about…I too have a daughter, and this is what I would/will say to her one day: considerations of ideological soundness have no role whatsoever to play in the sexual fantasies of human beings. In other words, one can be a feminist, demand good treatment from men at all times and never allow oneself to be abused, while simultaneously having, and acting out consensually, fantasies in which one is submissive/punished/humiliated. There is no contradiction here. Some people might be lucky enough to have politically correct sexual fantasies starring enlightened Guardian-reading men who insist on doing their share of the housework, but others aren’t – we cannot help our sexual fantasies, I don’t think – they’re a result of such complex psychological programming; I believe they happen to us and we’re stuck with them. For example, many women who very much would not like to be raped have rape fantasies – one can’t say this is wrong, it’s simply the way it is. Read ‘My Secret Garden’ by Nancy Friday. Fifty Shades is, ultimately, a sexual fantasy, and I believe all of our daughters will be fine and more enlightened/happier with themselves if we explain to them that people fantasise about all kinds of strange things, and it in no way means they can’t also expect to be treated well and respectfully in real life. Isn’t it terrifying/abusive to try and make our daughters believe that they need to bring their sexual fantasies in line with what they would approve of/endorse in their actual lives? Isn’t that kind of an attack on their sexual fantasy freedom?
Anyway – thanks for starting a v interesting discussion! And those bestselling books I mentioned in my post really are well worth reading, honest.
My problem with the idea that Ana consents to the punishment is two-fold. Firstly she consents because she fears that she will lose him if she doesn’t. I am aware we all make compromises in relationships, but I feel that compromises about accepting physical punishment because your partner is angry about something you have done in real-life, not in sexual role-play should not be a compromise anyone has to make.
The fact that Ana stays with him and accepts his control does not necessarily prove that it is not an abusive relationship. Many women cannot leave abusive relationships. Many women accept being controlled by a partner in an unacceptable fashion. This does not mean that because they don’t say that they want to leave that they are not trapped in an abusive relationship. Perhaps Ana’s is not an abusive relationship and Christian would let her go, but this sprang out of a teen fanzine and I wonder what role models for relationships teenage girls are being given.
I would agree that Ana is pleased/thrilled by the relationship. It is the first she has had. She has bagged a gorgeous, rich older man who lavishes attention on her. Of course she is pleased by the relationship in current society, what more could she want… but what comparisons does she have?
I must also say that your comment “Some people might be lucky enough to have politically correct sexual fantasies starring enlightened Guardian-reading men who insist on doing their share of the housework, but others aren’t” did raise a giggle – I agree that our fantasies are ours alone and that we have the right, or even the need, to have fantasies that are disconnected to our real lives. I would ask you however, whether women have as much access to films and writing with fantasies of their own power and control and whether our submissive fantasies are in fact a reflection of a deep seated social acceptance of our position in life?
Finally, the one thing that you have definitely made me consider is my need to be less pretentious about my reading choices. I will still continue to try to seek out the interesting, the different and the classics but I will also try a few more of the popular…I did read One Day (again for my book club) and thought it was a page-turner even if I didn’t find the writing particularly beautiful or inspiring, nor the plot wholly believable. I do accept that different people enjoy different writing and bring you back to my original comment about reading what you enjoy not what others (myself or anyone else) see as worthy literature.
Thanks for challenging me to justify my rant. Do please feel free to comment on the blog and make me do it again!
Ruth
Absolutely agree with More than a mum – anyone who has suffered from a domestic abusive relationship will see that Christian Grey has all the characteristics of an abusive man…..as shown here: http://lifeafterdomesticabuse.weebly.com/1/post/2012/07/christian-grey-v-signs-of-a-domestic-abusive-relationship.html
To deny that this is domestic abuse when women who have experienced it and know the warning signs are is irresponsible. We should all be working together to spread the warning signs – not fight against them – to ensure that women are not subjected to this horrendous, hidden crime.
I have to say I agree with MoreThanMothers and Sparkey Loo 100%.
In my experience I didn’t realise I was in an abusive relationship in this sense till toward the end and moreso after it ended.
Due to past experiences such as neglect, I found myself looking for love with no consideration of where I’d find it, as long as I had it. This resulted in two successive severely unhealthy relationships, both of which crushed any self esteem I had and made me feel utterly worthless. I was then single for a year and met a wonderful charming man.
I was thrilled with my relationship, I was complimented and he said all the right things, he did all the right things, he was a hero in comparison to my previous relationships, in the same sense than Ana had her first relationship with no real comparison, when compared, this was wonderful.
I too stayed with him, despite him being controlling, it took me a few months to realise the controlling behaviour was controlling rather than just the necessary and normal protective element (which I hadn’t experienced before, my boyfriend before had allowed a stranger to grope me in front of him and said/did nothing, he didn’t care whatsoever, so this new protective male was wonderful, at first). I was constantly afraid of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, upsetting him in anyway. He never directly said “don’t do this” or “you’re ugly” or “you’re stupid” but he made me believe it by being indirect.
He’d constantly text and ring me whilst I was out or doing anything, question where I was, what I was doing, who with, what I was wearing, if any guys were there etc. if I didn’t reply instantly, or challenged him or said he was being silly I’d be ignored for hours or have him make me feel awful. It ended up with me not going out at all, he became the centre of my world, to satisfy him.
I find a lot of parallel’s with my relationship to the relationship in the book. And though I agree Sophie with your points about other books such as Lolita, I feel that this is different…
Society teaches that paedophilia is wrong, it teaches that murder and stealing babies is wrong etc. we know this, there are laws put in place to prevent this. We’re taught somewhat about abusive relationships, but most have that stereotype in their mind about bloodied noses and black eyes, women huddled on the floor being yelled at, being called ugly and worthless.
That’s just some of the things people are subject to in abusive relationships. I was in denial about my boyfriend’s lying, I told myself I was paranoid and that his cover-ups weren’t lies, I lied to myself a lot. I didn’t know it was an abusive relationship till much much later.
I think that’s a huge problem with this book, because people will think it’s the norm, the treatment Ana received was normal, and if the reader receives that from his/her partner then that’s fine, because it’s a loving relationship. They could fall victim to it and think it’s acceptable and then later will be picking up the pieces.
I had love in my relationship, well there were wonderful times, but it doesn’t undo what it was. It was abusive, and I feel that Ana’s relationship in this book was too. I feel the author may not even know that she’s written about an abusive relationship and that’s a terrifying thing, that she’s gone her whole life thinking this was normal, or even a fantasy for her (as many authors do let their dreamworlds escape in writing, especially erotica).
I feel that the problem is within education, we need to be more aware of what an abusive relationship is, because a lot of the time it seems people realise far too late.
- Lily.